BREAKING NEWS: GOUCHER COLLEGE LEASES OUT ENTIRE CAMPUS
Goucher College’s Towson Campus starts leasing almost every inch of campus to corporations for 99 or 50 years each.
IKEA rents out horse stables to “test new and old products.” Beatrice Moody ‘25, Goucher’s greatest equestrian champion, is “outraged and flabbergasted.”
Chick-fil-a leases the student market, promising to use profits to donate to anti-gay groups. Brian Kal ‘26 says he’s “excited to see the fried chicken be upgraded.”
Starbucks Coffee rents Mary Fisher dining hall, promising to create a “family not union” attitude for the entire campus. Students are concerned that there will no longer be a more nutritious food option, but are swayed by chai caramel lattes with extra cream.
Forever 21 leases Stimson, following the recent closure of their Towson store. Faculty voice their confusion.
Welsh Hall has been leased to a nursing home, Eagle Ridge At Grand Valley. Eagle Ridge will give more opportunities for overworking as student nurses in the newly created nursing program. Our reporter Xam Ykztinvar found this assisted senior living program on the Nursing Homes To Avoid list of AssistedSeniorliving.net and was happy to hear Goucher is partnering with the worst of the worst.
The Athenaeum has been sold to Nazi group Hawk White, as they wish to burn more books. All pornographic material will be burned, even as Steve Grate, President of Hawk White, was found yesterday sleeping with two underaged boys. This is a big win for the portion of the student body who wishes there to be less complicated lies thrown in their faces by professors. They will now be told the truth about how many genders there are.
Generik Shell Inc. has purchased Julia Rogers. No one knows exactly who is behind this company.
Sheppard Pratt takes over Goucher’s Psychology Annex only to find it empty, not filled with crazed monkeys as expected. Crazy Reporter Ykztinvar Xam, requested comments from Psychology students, only to find he had been duped into giving them free therapy. The Neuroscience faculty expressed anger at the neighboring department having the most successful major on campus.
DuPont Chemical Company has gained control of Hoffberger as they aim to study how to maximize harm to the environment as partners in the new Masters of Environmental Destruction and Biological Warfare. 4+1 programs will be offered with the old online hybrid anti-corporate Justice of Science major.
Worker owned construction company McCarthy will be taking the land where Myerhoff stands and building their new headquarters. McCarthy representative Janet Wilty said they “were upset to learn Goucher had only given them 38 years, instead of the 50 years plus option to buy that Whiting and Turner has.”
In a surprise turn, the Student Recreations Center is exempted from leasing. When asked why, administrators told reporters the sports teams had the greatest puppy eyes ever imagined. New athletics director Kathlin Helstcher denies this, and says, “they held their place as the aspect of the institution that brings the most value.”
Goucher faces a lawsuit, having double-booked the full time leases with a Republican Youth training camp over the whole campus this summer. Bradly Yapper ‘27 is “severely disappointed in Goucher” as he was set to work as an assistant manager for the camp. Goucher paid 3 million for the rights to host this event. The Goucher Dean of Students claims, “this would have brought much needed publicity and diversity of thought to this campus.” Lawyers’ fees are estimated to be over 8 million dollars.
1960s GOUCHER STUDENTS DISCOVERED IN DORSEY NUCLEAR SHELTER
69 Gophers, students, faculty, and staff were discovered forgotten in the basement fallout shelter under Dorsey Center, after the administration opened it to try to sell it. They claim they went for a tour, but got locked in and were forgotten about for the last sixty years. Lisa Weary ‘64 was outraged to learn that “gays and communists have taken over the school.” Conversely, Pamela Bahgly ‘65 was excited to learn more about safe sex in modern times, as the last discussion of the sort she attended was the Goucher Reverend’s “sex sermon.”
Angela Jenrick ’63 said she is “glad to see the progress made on racially integrating the campus, even as [she] disapproves of the decision to admit men.” Facilities Management Services claim “they were unaware of the bunker” despite cleaning records showing they sent services in, and it being a primary location in the Emergency Action Plan.
All sixty of the bunker group signed a petition to bring back the Tone Committee as they desire more control and sensibility over Goucher’s fashion. Grace Pembory ‘67 is “dismayed by the Student Government Association and desires a return to House culture and rule.”
Goucher’s Radio club discovers that the Goucher radio station has actually been on the air for the last twenty years thanks to 1960’s Gophers who listened to radio while stuck.
Students inspired by conversations with the 1960 crew argue that the Board of Overseers should return, as they claim Goucher is not corporate enough. The Board of Overseers was an organization created by President Kraushaar to help local business owners appreciate Goucher by acting in a purely advisory role. This worked as significant donations came in, but the promise of not allowing them on the Board of Trustees was broken, as the two boards eventually merged.
Leading this effort is Frank Ly, class of 2026, who argues, “Goucher students don’t pay enough in tuition, Goucher needs to take the future on with a proper corporate attitude.” He also criticized Quindecim reporter Jimy Kuhn, saying “the Quindecim needs to not let hippie lunatics who want peace, love, and plants publish their work.”
Goucher President Jack Trickle responded by saying “Goucher will never sell out its values of family and community, which is why we are inviting so many helpful groups on campus–so they can create more opportunities for our community.”
NEW HIGH SPEED RAIL SYSTEM SHOCKS STUDENTS
Goucher expects students will need to take transit between the two campuses in a decade, so is starting on plans to build a High Speed Rail (HSR) between the campuses in collaboration with Brightline.
Quindecim Transit expert Olim Namrevlis ’27 voices concerns over how fast this will be built and worries about all the car owners on campus. “With this rapid three month plan, the community will not have the time to set schedules around this. The richest among us will pay the brunt, and that is not okay.” He couched his statement: “Brightline thinks through the impacts of their projects and takes absolutely no government money, so I trust them to slow down the project and think about the bottom line for the college.”
Vincent Grahmon ‘28 says, “With college students using trains, the death rate of this development will be too low. The system should divert itself to pass by an elementary school.” Bunker students started teaching games and songs from their time transiting between campuses to the modern students who will soon face a similar commute.
GENETICALLY MODIFIED SQUIRRELS BREACH CONTAINMENT
B.A.S.S. squirrels escape from the trap set in the bunker and wreak havoc on campus. Bald Assed Squirrels Syndrome, first reported in the 1995 Undecim by C.I. Meyers are genetically altered squirrels which mysteriously disappeared in 1996. They are responsible for incidents such as The Wall forest fire, Max’s Great Fall, and for stealing a couch cushion from the library. Professor Christopher Torres was seen being chased down Van Meter Highway. Students are warned to steer clear. More mayhem is expected as President Trickle refuses to respond. Administrators who spoke on the condition of anonymity, claim everyone is afraid, and this is the true reason for leasing everything away–to escape it all.
GOUCHER COLLEGE RETURNS TO WOMEN-ONLY ROOTS
Following the bunker incident, protests over Goucher being Co-Educational re-erupt, pushing the board of trustees to return Goucher’s status as a Women’s College. Days into the change, students who responded to the Goucher Poll say they noticed no changes. Separately, the Goucher Poll announced it is too successful to remain named after this shitty institution and is changing its name to “Lirpa Sloof Polling Corporation” and is looking to scale up. Documents recently uncovered with help from insiders Nina K. and Bill H. (names redacted for privacy) show that the Poll owns Generik Shell inc.
After a week of Chaos, the Committee on Bunker People unanimously decides to force 1960s era Gophers back under Dorsey. Will Goucher force visiting Alumni from Alumni Weekend to join them? What will happen to them? Please petition Goucher to let me in the old nuclear bunker so we can all find out.
All above pieces by Xam Ykztinvar, ’28.
DOES KENT “FREAK IT?” AND IF SO, HOW?
To freak, or not to freak. This is the timeless question we must ask of the lords of our institutions. The action of freaking carries great and complex meaning. It is not always good, it is not always bad. It is not inherently sexual. Freaking is freaking; and a freak is a freak. We must open our minds as we ponder this, in relation to our president Kent Devereaux. A great man, and a puzzle at times. The question of whether Kent freaks seems impossible to answer at first thought. After all, he seems quite the private man, how could we successfully speculate on his freaky nature or lack thereof? Well, there are some notable sciences that we can look to for answers. By respecting these pillars of thought, perhaps we can answer this question. And depending on the answer, ponder greater details of the noble Kent Devereaux.
My first piece of evidence was intended to be a deep analysis of Kent Devereaux’s birth sign, and the implications of it. Unfortunately, despite searching his Wikipedia page, I couldn’t find his birthday.
My second piece of evidence is his incredible fashion style. There is often great intention in the way a person presents. And if we analyze Kent’s fashion, we find powerful details. A clean cut style, composed and practiced. And that hat, what a magnificent hat. It speaks of charm, wit, and a coolness to pierce through the crowd. That is the hat of a man who could freak.
Now that we have thoroughly and conclusively proven the freaky nature of Kent Devereaux, we must elaborate on the freaky nature that he almost certainly possesses. What mystifyingly magical activities occur in Kent’s house after the sun sets? What fascinatingly fantastic feats have been performed? Perchance. We can attempt to guess from what we already know of him. He has great musical experience, so perhaps he plays the fiddle to enchant all his house guests. There is also his aforementioned hat. Perhaps late at night, he puts the hat back on, spins it around once or twice, and summons the “dawg in him” to unleash furious passion out onto the world. He is often withdrawn from the public eye, but is that because he fears the spotlight, or because he simply doesn’t need one to stun his audience?
Kent Devereaux is certainly a mystery, one that may never be solved while I still walk this campus. However, some things we are sure about in regard to him. We know he has an awesome hat. And we also know he freaks it. In these dark times, let these two facts be of solace to you, to guide you past murky rivers and eerie lands, into a comfortable bed of safety and understanding.
By Dragonslayer Willow, ‘26
A Galloping Success: Goucher’s Jousting Team Makes It to Playoffs
Archibald Fletcher, ‘26, takes a victory lap after winning the joust of war.
In a tumultuous match, Goucher’s jousting team beat Salisbury to advance to the playoff round. The team presented a remarkable display of athleticism, performing particularly well in the ring joust. “Salisbury had copper rings instead of brass. Their athletics budget must be a lot higher than ours,” observed Bartholomew Gardiner, ‘26. Gardiner represented his team during the ring portion, successfully hooking the ring on his lance during all three passes and winning the round 3-2.
Emotions ran high during the joust of war. After a hotly competitive training season, Archibald Fletcher, ‘25, was selected to represent Goucher for this portion of the tournament. During the first pass, Fletcher inadvertently formed a barricade with his lance, breaking it in half. Since this is not considered a legal break, the jousters had to reset and Fletcher’s lance was replaced. After this incident, Fletcher showed sheer force and skill during every pass. He unhorsed his opponent twice, before shattering his lance on his opponent’s chest plate to win the joust.
Goucher’s equestrian stables worked alongside the jousting team to select the most capable horses. Following careful deliberation, Bucephalus and Nosewise were chosen to join the athletes for the tournament. Their specialized training involved subjecting the horses to random bugle fanfare to ensure they didn’t startle during the joust. “Percival was a strong candidate, but due to frequent biting incidents, he didn’t make the cut,” explained the stable manager.
Goucher’s stunning victory was met with numerous “Huzzah!”s from the crowd. The team is set to advance to the regional playoffs, where they will face York College first. “I’m very proud of my team this season,” Fletcher commented. “I hope we win regionals because the prize turkey sounds really delicious.”
By Stella Rose ‘26
“A MINECRAFT MOVIE” IS PEAK CINEMA
The title says it all. There has never been a movie as great as Warner Bros’ “A Minecraft Movie”, released Friday, April 4th. Words can’t describe the 1 hour, 34 minutes, and 34 seconds long masterpiece the world has the honor of watching. But for those of you unable to see it for yourselves, I guess I’ll have to take up the monumental task of transcribing such perfect art.
Where to start? I love exposition, and if you love it too, you’re in luck. Almost every second of this movie’s runtime is spent narrating what’s on screen–and it’s amazing! We’re force fed information because the directors rightfully know audiences can’t understand what’s going on in their movie.
The writing is just impeccable, and the humor exquisite. Stellar lines like “Two big buffalos like us out there, in the wild, wearing unisex turquoise blazers. Oh man, that’s gonna cause a commotion” had the entire theater guffawing. We also get sentimental moments such as people sharing incredibly personal details of their life unprompted, so that the camera can pan to one of our main characters tilting their head in confusion. So much character depth! So hilarious!
I was on the edge of my seat the entire movie with its incredible pacing and well-earned tension. I loved each and every one of the 25 minutes it takes for the characters to reach the new Minecraft universe. The totally new and steller isekai plotline is a treat to watch!
Of course, I can’t forget about the breathtaking visuals. It was a great choice to place real actors in a hyper realistic CGI setting. It puts an exciting spin on the boring normal Minecraft style. Creepers with fur uplift the movie to even greater heights!
“A Minecraft Movie” is a must-watch for the whole family. It’s a testament to great cinema that you’ll be able to meme it for years after its box-office breaking release. Don’t miss out on this historical moment!
By Jaiden Johnson ‘27
