It was a glorious August day at Goucher College as workers laid out the prestigious red carpet in front of the newly built First-Year Country Club. Lowly townspeople gathered to witness the new class of first-years arrive in limos. Each student stepped on to the red carpet and gazed upon three high-rise buildings by the names of Squire-side Hall, Trust Fund Hall, and San Pellegrino Selz Hall.
This wondrous oasis was constructed out of solid gold and the tears of upperclassmen who lived in the rat-infested dungeons of Stimson. Beautiful mahogany wooden floors cover the high rise buildings. Each room is also complete with a home theatre, private bathrooms with heated toilets, and at least one butler.
“Yeah it was a little tricky fitting a grand piano into each room while keeping them in tune,” admitted head contractor John Wells, “but we knew these little freshmen would have to practice somewhere especially with the music major being cut.”
While daily room service and free HBO seems fantastic, first-years admitted that this new country club is far from perfect.
“They only have room for one muscle car per student so I had to leave the Jaguar at home. The Lambo is a little more practical,” explained first-year Chadwick Van Seaton.
Upperclassmen also voiced their opinions. “I’m just a little jealous. They come out of there smelling like lavender and I still smell like Stimson. I only lived there for a year!” said senior Alison Wyatt.
President José Antonio Bowen and mascot Reginald “Rowdy” Rodent were pleased to have a new community space to share hors d’oeuvres and watch the Kentucky Derby.
“I think the fire pit really ties the space together. Now everyone can enjoy grilled salmon,” Bowen said in an interview this morning.
“I can’t wait for those tasty little marshmallow treats!” exclaimed Reginald Rodent. “You know, the ones that common folk make while camping. What are those called again?”
There will be an opening gala ceremony next week. Only residents of the First-Year Country Club are allowed to attend. However, upperclassmen are encouraged to watch the festivities from the roof of the SRC.