From the official records of Benji Gutsin, Documentarian of New New Jersey: https://newnewjerseyoffical.tumblr.com/
To Whom it May Concern,
This is an official letter from your local government.
We regret to inform you, the reader of this letter, that the large foreboding eyeball deity, specifically the one residing within your living room foyer, is a part of a new land deal that we have made with our new all-powerful overlords. We understand if this arrangement is uncomfortable. However, for now, there is nothing we can do now or in the foreseeable future. We strongly suggest reaching out to a private contracting service for this matter or that you heavily invest in contact solution, which can be found at your nearest Walgreens™. Do make sure the large eye remains supple and moist while it remains on your property. We hope you have a lovely day.
The local government of New New Jersey.
Perkington Law #234
Attention all citizens. In light of recent events, a new law has been put into motion. From here and henceforth, any type of news that may now sour someone’s disposition will be told exactly 24 hours after the original situation has commenced. This law does not extend to the reporting of an emergency, nor the report of illegal activity. However, civilians are not permitted to talk about unsavoury events amongst each other until 24 hours after such event have occurred. That is all for now. Have a perky day!