How to Argue with Your Partner?
Adam scoffed at his wife Sofie, “Well, I’m listening, so you should feel heard.” Sofie yelled back, “You never listen, and that’s your problem…” These two are a match made in heaven; neither of them knows how to effectively engage with the other. Unfortunately, most couples are no different from Adam and Sofie. Although they want to be better at communicating with their spouse, they just don’t know how. Here are some tips to help you have more productive arguments. And side note, if you’re like me, and don’t have a partner, these tips will help you better communicate with friends, family, neighbors, strangers, your dog—anyone!
Before The Argument
Planning:
Make sure your partner is in a good state of mind to discuss the issue. It’s okay to say, “Hey, can we talk about this in 15 minutes?” if you need time yourself or to postpone the discussion to another time in the day, and as a partner, you must respect that. Instead of Adam being passive-aggressive, what if he said, “Hey, honey, I’m really tired from work. Could you give me 15 minutes to regroup?”. It’s important to schedule time for your conflicts! That being said, it is not okay to avoid the conversation. Even if it doesn’t seem like an issue to you, it is for your partner.
After you both have agreed upon a desired time, plan a neutral location. Somewhere where there is no pressure from other people (i.e., in public). Choose to have your argument in a controlled environment.
During The Argument
Use “I” statements:
“I” statements communicate personal feelings, needs, and thoughts without blaming or creating defensiveness. They shift the focus from the other person’s behavior to the speaker’s experience. Frame your statement by focusing on your feelings. Additionally, when talking to your partner, don’t be mysterious or elusive—tell your partner your issue. Expecting your partner to be able to read your mind is unfair. When using an “I” statement, structure your sentence like this: “I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior] because , and I would like [request/need]”. For example, Sofie says to Adam, “I feel upset when you get on your phone while I’m talking to you because I feel like you’re listening to me. I would like you to put your phone away while I’m talking to you.”
Listen to Understand:
In an argument, focus on understanding your partner’s feelings and perspective. Listen to them without interrupting and ask clarifying questions when needed, clinical psychologist Deborah Grody says this is the most important thing a couple can do. During the argument, make sure you’re holding eye contact and positioning your body toward your partner when he or she is speaking. This will signal that you are listening. Adam replied to Sofie, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way; it wasn’t my intention.”
Solve the Issue, Not the Topic:
Try to understand the underlying thoughts and feelings behind the disagreement. The towels on the floor and the food left on the counter may not be the problem, only symptoms of the problem left unresolved. The real issue may be that you feel disrespected or devalued by your partner. Dr. John Delony, a mental health expert, author, and counselor, often says that “walls”, a.k.a. coping mechanisms, that we build as children to feel safe, are the very things that damage our adult relationships. These defense mechanisms were necessary for survival during childhood trauma; however, they become roadblocks to intimacy and trust in adulthood. This problem can often lead to misunderstandings, emotional distance, and continuous conflict. A way to identify an underlying need is to ask yourself, “What did I really need at that moment?” Then, calmly and openly communicate it with your partner. For example, “Adam,” said Sofie, “what I needed during that argument was reassurance that you love me.” Remember, the topics aren’t the problem; the issue is. So, find out exactly what the issue is.
Stay calm
Regulate your voice and avoid escalating the situation with yelling or threats. Dr. Krista Jordan, a psychologist who specializes in relationships, marriage, conflict, and communication, said “Raising your voice, waving your hands around, slamming your hand down on a surface, standing up from a seated position, standing over someone, or being in someone’s peripheral vision will trigger the amygdala and put your partner into a limbic threat response.” This is the fight, flight, or freeze mode. In this situation, solving is highly unlikely because each person is focused on reacting to the perceived threat from their partner. Noam Ostrander, an associate professor of social work at DePaul University, encourages couples to take a break during those times. “Okay, I want to have this conversation, but I need 10 minutes to calm down. I love you, I’m not going anywhere,” Adam says. “We’re going to come back to this, we’re going to figure it out.”
Find Common Ground:
Keep in mind the goal of an argument is to find a better way forward together, not to win. Acknowledge any points you can agree on to show your partner you’re open to their ideas and you’re both on the same team. Finding common ground could be as simple as agreeing that you both want to stop arguing as much, or as mature as agreeing to disagree on some things. Dr. Jordan says,
The goal of an argument is to make sure that each person comes away with as complete an understanding of your perspective as possible and that both of you have given some ground to arrive at a compromise that serves both of you equally well.
Dr. Jordan essentially says arguments are negotiations, and sometimes you will have to compromise.
Take Your Partner’s Perspective
Seeing things from your partner’s point of view can help you understand why your partner acted in the way they did, and hopefully bring you two closer to resolving the disagreement. Taking a moment to put yourself in your partner’s shoes can also help you determine if there are things you could change or include in your communication so they can better understand where you are coming from. Overall, this can be a very useful technique for preventing future conflict and resolving current conflict. Sofie commented, “You know, I hadn’t considered that you’d be drained from work once you come home. Next time, I will give you some time to yourself before we discuss anything.” Adam smiled and said, “Thank you.”
Nobody is Perfect
Be open to accepting criticism even if it is being delivered in a way that is hard to hear, and apologize when appropriate. Accepting criticism can be hard, but it doesn’t have to be, and
luckily for you, tips on accepting criticism follow the same steps I’ve outlined here. Moreover, if you are wrong, be humble and apologize for your actions.
End on a positive note
End the argument with a gesture of affection or reassurance, such as a hug or sharing words of adoration. This lets your partner know you care about them and the relationship. Sofie smiled at Adam and said, “I care about you and our relationship. I want to work through this.”. By reaffirming your commitment, you are signaling to your partner that you want to move forward as a team. Adam replied, “I love you, and I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me.” They hugged each other.
After The Argument
Show Affection
As mentioned in the previous point, physical affection and words of affirmation are useful tools. However, consider thoughtful gestures or humor. Granted, it may seem weird to some people to give your spouse a gift after an argument, but those grocery store flowers that you picked up on your way home from work could be the catalyst to strengthen your relationship. Gifts act as a tangible symbol of your emotional connection and tell your partner that you see them and are paying attention. Even a well-timed joke (emphasis on the “well timed” part), although not tangible, can have the same effect. They both tell your partner you are emotionally connected.
Develop Strategies For The Future
You want to discuss what worked and didn’t work during the argument, and, if need be, make a plan for how to handle disagreements more constructively in the future. Engaging in this process fosters trust, ensuring that both partners feel heard and supported during future disagreements. Although, if you and your partner are already aware of what works for and doesn’t work for each other during arguments, and already have an effective plan for how to handle disagreements, then this step may be of less relevance to you.
Summary
All couples will fight, but it’s about how you fight—it doesn’t have to be a yelling match. Arguments aren’t about winning, they’re about one or both parties being able to voice their opinion(s) to remain connected and or strengthen the connection between the couple. When arguing with your partner, there are many things you can do to get your point across while also valuing your partner. It’s important that we come to and leave disagreements with respect and love for each other. Adam looked deep into Sofie’s eyes and said, “I think we can grow stronger from this, like we have before.”
By Leila Townsend ’26
Image Source: Norman Rockwell / SEPS
References
Breit, C. (2018, September 24). This is the best way to fight with your partner, according to psychologists. Time. https://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner/
Chirichella, C. (2022, July 28). How to argue with your partner, according to an expert. The Everymom. https://theeverymom.com/how-to-argue-with-your-partner/
Mark, T. (2024, October 9). The best thing to do after a fight with your partner, by a psychologist. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/10/09/the-best thing-to-do-after-a-fight-with-your-partner-by-a-psychologist/
The Couples Center. (n.d.). What to say after an argument. The Couples Center. https://www.thecouplescenter.org/what-to-say-after-an-argument/
Young, K. (n.d.). Fighting fair in a relationship: How to get what you need and stay close while you do it. Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/fighting-fair/
